January 28, 2007
~ Randomly...
I do have to do this. Spend more time at home. Spend more time being alone. What Hadrian calls 'quality time with yourself'.
I saw it coming so I have to do this. Keep myself occupied. Keep myself distracted, engaged, whatever.
Begins for a week, next week. Then, April. Then, June. For that many, many miles. Between us. When you will get to acquaint with autumn in the orient and I will hopefully, be settling down well in the all-already-too-familiar Raffles Place, strolling around for some surprises every other day.
Meisen sent me a photo of Lyon. Courtesy of Dack. Yes, I will use that as my wallpaper soon. Right now, I'm using the blue road photo she sent me too. I keep changing my wallpapers, depending on the mood I'm in.
xxx
I asked if she thinks it would be a scary thing to realise that she's needy of her partner, doesn't even know for sure if she loves him, but realises that she needs him around.
And she replied, no. It would be a natural process, she said. And remember (I do, but thanks for reminding me), she is looking for someone whom she can't live without rather than someone whom she can live with?
But, I also remember she hated to be dependent. She dislikes the feeling of being dependent. Then, is there some kind of reconciliation between the natural process and the dislike for dependence?
I don't know... but I asked because I wanted to know if it's scary for people to start feeling that they need their partner around and if that feeling makes them start a sort of mechanism to be resistant to that need and hence, their partner? The so-called 'freedom'?
I wanted to know because I wondered if the disappearance of anyone has ever or will ever make me felt irrecoverably lost.
xxx
Up to this point, I just try not to let things bother me too much. Even my dreams. They don't. Even if I try to recall, record and then, blog about it. I dream. I wake up. I blog. And then, it's another kind of reality here. And as I climb under the covers, the whole plot unfolds again along almost identical paths.
It becomes like a straight pencil line on a piece of old, scratchy paper. And as long as the line keeps growing, it doesn't seem to matter if the beginning of this line dissolves into the paper, hardly to be seen.
And occasionally, just very seldom now, I get a little upset, a little low. But, I get tired too, at the end of each day. And I sleep. Well. And, like I said, the whole plot refreshes and unfolds again.
xxx
Thank you. For checking in on me, still. Really appreciate it.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:38